By Asma Anjum Khan,
Our Uncle Ghafoor is quite a character. You ask him time, he will tell you how to repair your clock. You tell him how hot the day has been ‘ and he will give you temperatures from Swiss Alps to Srinagar and shower curses for the Indian weather. Never mind, the same words are repeated when the rains arrive, turning Indian roads into gutters and then you ‘d better stop listening to worse than gutter foul mouth of our Uncle Ghafoor.
So it’s an amusement par excellence to lend an ear to him,when the debate about Modi or Rahul begins seeping in every nook and corner of our great country and our chai centres. At these old social media forums,our men solve national and international problems sipping cups after cups of steamy chai. Our Ghafoor uncle speaks with authority ,as though Man Mohan had spoken to him last night, briefing him about all the important stuff from 3 G notes to Gursharan quotes.[By the way, will you all ,please stop laughing at my mention of Man Mohan 's speaking abilities? The Sardar does speak, i swear!]
So when talk about Rahul/Modi and who will become India ka Prime Minister , or Bharat Varsh ka Pradhan Mantri is gathering heat and dust ; our Ghafoor uncle becomes interesting.
Rahul or Modi…who among them who among them? What the hell of a difference would it make, you idiots?
But both have one problem in common.
And before Mishra uncle could wipe out his betel spittle ; his hand was raised hand Modi style,
Any of these two become prime ministers, India won’t be having a first lady. He looked solemn.
We will have to get them married first, he declared. When Shaukat chacha of the next mohalla failed to suppress his snorty chuckles; he got admonished for his Zaleel Harkat ; it is uncle Ghafoor’s pet word.
Who needs a First lady? The first Prime Minister didn’t have one! Shoukat spoke his mind nevertheless.
You forget Lady Mountbatten, Mishra ji gave a hearty laugh.
What the hell that Lady Mountbatten has got to do with it? Poor Uncle Ghafoor had read history only from his school text books. But Shaukat, shouted, Like your Vajpayee was a bachelor! Mishra ji murmured something ,must be his choicest abuse.
As the chai crowd now was clearly divided into two, one voice arose but corruption is the main issue Uncle Ghafoor,
Corruption, he minced his much used [and abused] denture cum teeth.. Go, and ask Anna Hazare how much…
Anna Hazare is a bachelor too!
This was Bakha, the waiter at the chai shop who served you quick, if you addressed him as an attendant.
Now the chai shop was cracking with laughter. But why the heck is a first lady needed? Someone thought aloud. Uncle Ghafoor held forth, PMs look better with their spouses. Don’t you see Michelle Obama? And also we have to receive other first ladies from foreign countries. He always pronounced it phoren.
But Pheku did marry once ,hai nah?
Dare not say a single thing, I tell you. Mishra ji roared.
But Mishra I am telling, who would take care of Rashtrapati Bhavan? Ghafoor Uncle‘s GK book was as empty as his bald head.
Just like President A PJ Abdulkalam, who did without a wife. Bakha again.
The chit-chat at the pan-shop went on.
And Rahul’s dulhaniya won’t be from Amethi?
Mummy ji Italy se layein gi Rahul Baba ki dulhan! Mumma’s boy!
Shoukat and Mishra now came quite close to a brawl but the situation was taken under control.
For Pheku , an American would be the best bet, wife ke sath visa free!
Killing two birds with one stone. Ghafoor uncle said satisfyingly, always a connoisseur of proverbs.
Bonus: As a wife is better equipped at catching her husband’s lies, we can hope for an end [ or control over] to Feku’s Fekuisms
So while everyone is in the Rahul Vs Modi debate, Ghafoor uncle, the sage old man is thinking of the many problems India might face in the absence of a fine first lady.
Jai ho!
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Asma Anjum Khan is Assistant Professor of English in Maharashtra. This article was first published at IndiaOpines.com